Finding my way back to you
by Xenia90
Summary: It starts Oliver thoughts when Laurel is stabbed by Dahrk, during the rush to the hospital and while waiting for her to come out of surgery. Alive. Maybe. And then it goes from there. How? Read to find out.
1. I can't lose her

This afternoon I came across a Lauliver video. It was so beautiful and it broke my heart and it gave me the input to write this thing. It starts right after Dahrk stabs Laurel and goes from there. It's short and at some point it just ends. I'm not sure what to do with it… So I'll just post it here and if any of you has any idea how I should continue this or even if I should just let me know. I apologize for the mistakes. Fell free to point them out to me so I can fix them.

When he saw Dahrk stab Laurel with his own arrow, Oliver felt a wave of panic raise from his stomach and climb all the way up to his throat, threatening to choke him. It was a kind of terror he'd felt very few times in his life, a kind of terror that he hadn't experienced in a while. And his inability to move made it all so much worse. Oliver Queen was a man of action. Standing by while someone he cared about was in danger wasn't something he did. Ever. He always rushed in and tried to save the day. That was who he was, who he's always been and who he was going to be for the rest of his life. And yet he'd been powerless twice in his life… The fist time he had to watch his best friend die in front of his eyes. And then when his mother died, tied up on the ground unable to move, unable to do anything to save her life, watching Slade's sword cut through her body, Oliver had sworn that he would never let something like that happen again. And yet here he was, once again forced to stand idly by while Laurel was soon as Dahrk's hold on him vanished Oliver rushed at Laurel's side. He knelt beside her.- You're going to be on, Laurel. You're going to be okay. I'm going to get help. You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay. – He she put her shaking arm around his neck and when he felt her hold tighten a bit he slid his arms under her legs and he stood up, then he started running, clutching her broken body as close to him as he could.

Everything between when he picked her up from the prison floor to the moment he laid her down on the hospital stretcher was kind of a only remembered holding her shaking body, he remembered the red of the blood spreading on her suit, he remembered her troubled breathing, he remembered the feeling of her skin getting colder and colder every step of the way. But the one thing that he remembered more clearly was his own voice. He kept saying that she was strong and that she was going to survive this, that everything was going to be okay. He needed his own voice to stay focused, he needed to believe in his own words to keep going, he needed to hear those word to keep moving. Laurel was going to be okay. There was no other option, no other possible outcome. She needed to be okay, she had to be okay. Because only the thought of losing her was enough to throw him into the darkest and scariest place of his mind, the one ruled by vengeance and death, the one flooded with red hot panic. He had to believe that she was going to survive.

He laid her on the stretcher and looked at the doctors rushing in and start to treat her. He didn't realize her was holding her hand until the doctors asked him to let her go and let them help. For a second he tighten his old, he couldn't let her go. He was too scared that once he did she would die and the last memory of her would be her bleeding out on a prison floor, just like his last memory of Tommy had been of him bleeding out on the flood of the CNIR. But he knew that letting go was necessary, he had to let the doctors help her. He had to let the doctors work and take care of her (and save her. Please God don't let her die). So he let go of her hand and moved backward, hovering for a while in the doorway. Until she was brought in the OR and he was left alone in the room.

Oliver didn't remember leaving the hospital, going to the bunker and changing. He just knew that now he was back in the hospital, wearing a pair of jeans and a green shirt, pacing the white aseptic corridors, waiting for Laurel to come out of surgery alive. Laurel was strong and no matter how hard life hit her she always got back up, stronger than before. The harder life hit her, the stronger she became. She was going to survive. If she died he would lose the one person who had always been on his side, no matter what. He had hurt her in the worst possible way, he had betrayed her, he had left her alone to grieve Tommy, he hadn't been there for her when she was battling her addiction, he had antagonized her choice of becoming the Black Canary, going as far as refusing to train her and yet she had always stood right next to him. She was always ready to help, she had always been his support. Even when she had found out about William, and about the affair he had with Samantha while they were still together, Laurel hadn't yelled, she hadn't made a scene, she had simply offered her support to Samantha and her help to him. It didn't matter how badly he fucked up, after the first outburst of anger Laurel was always there for him, supporting him, helping him; and more often than not even that first outburst didn't come. Laurel was the one person in his life that had always believed in him, she had always seen the best in him, even when it was buried after layers of stupidity and recklessness. He couldn't lose her. He just couldn't. She was too important.

He loved her and he couldn't lose her without telling her. She couldn't die thinking that he loved Felicity more than her. Laurel was the love of his life and she couldn't die. She couldn't . Damn him for realizing this just now, when it might be too late. ( But it wasn't. It wasn't too late. Because she was going to survive and everything would be okay)


	2. You're the love of my life

**This is basically a rewrite of the final scenes of 4x18. I added my take on Oliver's thoughts in those terrible moments.**

As usual English isn't my first language, I don't have a beta reader so if you find any mistake please feel free to point them out to me.  
\- Oliver? –  
Someone called him and Oliver interrupted his pacing to see who it was. Felicity was walking toward him. She hugged him. Having her there for him, hugging him should have been comforting, especially after the tense atmosphere between them in the last months, since William's kidnapping. But it didn't feel comforting, it felt like being trapped, her perfume was too strong and he felt like choking.  
\- Laurel? Is she… - She asked.  
\- She's in surgery. Uhm I don't know – He answered.  
Not knowing if she was going to survive was torture. He kept telling himself that she was going to get better and he would have the chance to tell her how much she meant to him. But the truth was that he didn't know. And telling others that he didn't know made it all more real. As long as he was alone with his thought he could believe in them, but now in front of his friends he ws forced to face the reality. And the chance that Laurel would die was pretty high.  
\- I've tried calling Lance… - He added and then – What happened with Dahrk? – He asked then.  
\- He's in the wind along with fifty or so inmates. – Thea said.  
\- And Andy – Diggle said. – You warned me, and I didn't listen. I'll never be able to forgive myself. –  
In every other moment Oliver would have told him that it wasn't his fault, that if it had been his own brother he probably would have done the same thing. He would have told him that it was hard to believe that a brother, a father, a mother could betray in such a big way. Three years ago Oliver himself hadn't wanted to believe that his mother was involved in the Undertaking, Tommy hadn't wanted to believe that about his father either, even if he had direct experience of the kind of person Malcolm was. Diggle had just got Andy back from the dead and Oliver understood why he did what he did, he wasn't mad at Diggle, he didn't blame him for Laurel being hurt. It wasn't Diggle's fault.  
But in that moment he couldn't. Cause there was a part of him, a small mean part of him, that did blame Diggle for what had happened to Laurel. Oliver had warned him and Diggle hadn't listened and now his brother had betrayed them and Laurel was fighting for his life.  
Oliver looked at his friend, at loss of what to say, and right in that moment Laurel was brought in the room on a stretcher.  
Oliver's heart skipped a beat. She was so pale, she had dark circles around their eyes and she looked very weak. His heart clenched in pain and fear. She was out of surgery but from the look of it had been a close call.  
\- Just out of recovery. She's gonna be fine. It's a strong woman your friend. – the doctor said and Oliver tore his eyes from Laurel to look at her.  
She seemed honestly convinced that Laurel was going to make it and Oliver let himself relax a bit.  
\- The strongest. – Felicity said.  
\- She's been asking for you. – the doctor said.

\- Hi. – Laurel said.  
Her voice was so weak, barely audible. Oliver closed his eyes, trying to be strong and to keep the tears inside. The doctor has said that she was going to be fine, but her voice was so weak and it looked like talking required a great effort. And he couldn't bare to see his Laurel, his strong beautiful Laurel, so weak and hurt.  
\- Hey yourself. – Thea said.  
\- Did Dahrk… - Laurel started to ask.  
And here she was. His Laurel. The woman who couldn't help worrying for her city even when she was hurt and had almost died. Oliver almost smiled.  
\- Don't worry about him. – Felicity said. – Just worry about getting better.  
Laurel took a deep breath and when she talked her voice was even weaker than before.  
\- It's not exactly how I wanted my last night to go… -  
\- What are you talking about? – Diggle asked.  
Oliver had been so relieve when she had decided to hang the mask and become the District Attorney. He was so glad that she was going to be safer. That she was going to stop running around with a mask at night. She had made up her mind and he should have stopped her from going with them to Iron Highs. If he had maybe now she wouldn't be in an hospital bed hurt and dangerously close to die.  
\- I was going to give up being the Black Canary, but I realized I didn't know how I could, because going out there and fighting alongside you guys, it's what makes me feel alive inside. And I love you guys so much. – Laurel said.  
Oliver blinked a couple of times. Her words sounded like a goodbye. But they couldn't be, cause the doctor had said that she was going to be fine.  
Everyone said that they loved her, but Oliver couldn't.  
He loved her, he loved her so much that it hurt. And he wanted to tell her those words knowing that she would know that he really meant them with all his heart and forever. He didn't just love her, he was in love with her. And he would not say "I love you" until after telling her that he was still in love with her.  
\- We should probably let you get some rest. – Thea said  
\- We'll be right outside, okay? – Felicity said.

After everybody left Laurel looked at him.  
\- You should probably get some rest too. – she said.  
Did she really think that he would leave her alone? After almost loosing her did she really think that he would leave her?  
\- Not a chance. I'm gonna stay right here. – Oliver said.  
There wasn't any chance that he would let her out of his sight again. Not tonight not ever. The memory of her blood on his hands, of her breath going progressively more shallow, her skin colder was still too fresh in his mind. He needed to be close to her, to hear her breathing, to watch her heartbeat on the monitor. He wouldn't be able to get any rest outside of that room cause he would always fear that she would die without him at her side.  
\- There's something… - she coughed a little trying to catch her breath – in my left pouch. Can you bring it to me? –  
\- Yeah. – He said and then once he had it he asked - May I?-  
\- Yeah. – she said.  
He looked at it and saw the picture she'd given him when he left with the Gambit, the picture that had kept him alive on the island. Looking at that picture he suddenly remembered how fundamental Laurel had been for his survival. Without that picture, without his love for her, without the hope of coming back and make things right to her, he wouldn't have survived. Suddenly he wondered how could he think that Felicity was more important than Laurel? He thought he wanted to marry Felicity and now he couldn't even imagine how he had come to such an idiotic conclusion. Laurel was the one, his mother's ring was always meant to her finger, how could he think otherwise was beyond him. And Oliver hated that it took him almost losing Laurel to finally figure out his feelings.  
\- You kept this. – He said, his voice breaking.  
\- Yeah. Just a little reminder of when things used to be simpler for us, the way we used to be…-  
Oliver blinked. Things were surely simpler back then, but they weren't better. He was an irresponsible playboy, so scared of commitment that the had cheated on the love of his life again and again. Things weren't good back then, but they would be different now.  
\- I'm really glad that you found Felicity and I hope you find your way back to her… -  
Oliver's heart dropped. If she was glad that he found Felicity it could only mean that she had moved on from him and there wasn't any chance for them to get back together. She wasn't going to give him another chance and he couldn't blame her for that, he surely wouldn't give himself another chance after all the pain he'd caused her.  
But he wanted to tell her that he wasn't glad that he found Felicity, he was glad that he found Laurel when they were both children. He wanted to tell her that he didn't want to find his way back to Felicity. He wanted to find his way back to her, he wanted Laurel to her way back to him. All he wanted was for her to get better and to forgive him. But she was still talking. - and, Ollie, I know I'm not the love of your life, but you will always be the love of mine. – Why are you telling me this? Why now – he asked.  
And then he cursed himself. Of all the things he could say, of her the things he should say why did he chose that? Instead of asking why he should have told her that she was wrong. That she was the love of his life and that he wanted her back. He couldn't imagine his life without her, he didn't even want to consider living without her and that he had been foolish in thinking that he could be happy with someone who wasn't her.  
\- Because tonight it was only a reminder that anything can happen, which is why I need you to promise me something…-  
And then everything went wrong, she started seizing and all the monitors went crazy.  
Doctors rushed into the room and Thea and the others followed them. And they were left there watching the life slipping away from Laurel.  
But she couldn't die. She couldn't. Or could she?


	3. Face the past to choose the future

Laurel opened her eyes to a cloudless blue sky. She was lying on the grass in a park and she hadn't the slightest idea how she got there. The last thing she remember was talking to Oliver in a hospital, his terrified expression and the deafening beeping of the heart monitor. She carefully sat up and looked around her. And then she saw him. Tommy was leaning against a tree a few meters away from her.

At first she felt happiness. She had missed him so much in the last four years that seeing him in front of her now was amazing. Then a terrifying thought crossed her minds. If she was with him, and he was dead, then…

\- Am I dead? – she asked walking to him.

He quirked his brow and smiled.

\- No. Not yet. You're one of the few lucky people who get to have a say in the matter. – he said – And I'm here to help you make a decision. It's good to see you by the way. You look beautiful. –

Laurel cocked her head and looked closely at him. Trying to understand if he was telling the truth. Apparently satisfied by what she saw, she smiled.

\- It's good to see you too. – she said hugging him. – I missed you. Oliver missed you too.-

Tommy hugged her tightly against him.

\- I missed you guys too. – he said breathing in her scent. – But we are on the clock. –

Laurel just looked at him.

\- What are we supposed to do? How are you supposed to help me? – she asked.

\- The best way to decide your future is by reliving your past. – he said and suddenly they found themselves standing in the corridor of their high school.

Laurel watched a younger version of herself walking down that corridor with the principal at her side. It was her first day of school. She had just moved there from Central City and she really wasn't happy. Suddenly the door of one of the classes shot open and Oliver and Tommy walked out.

\- Queen! Merlyn! What where are you going? You should stay in class. –

The two boys grinned.

\- Actually we've been sent to you. –

\- And what did you do this time? –

They shrugged. The principal rolled her eyes.

\- Go in my office. I'll deal with you later. –

They grinned again and run off. Laurel watched them go.

" Troublemakers" she thought deciding that it was best for her to stay away from them.

Days later she saw them again. She was pinned against her locker. A tall boy was in front of her and was dangling her books in front of her, keeping them to high for them to reach them.

It wasn't the first time something like that happened to her. She was the new girl and it was all too easy to be mean with new students. She was sure she was going to be late for class, again, when a voice came from behind the boy.

\- Give her books back and go away –

He turned around and she caught a glimpse of them. The troublemakers.

\- And why should I do that? –

\- Cause I say so. –

The boy just shrugged and went back to keeping her books out her reach.

Suddenly he wasn't in front or her anymore. He was hauled away and her books fell to the ground.

There was a fistfight in front of her. The two boys from the first day were definitely winning. The bell rang and the crowd quickly disappeared. In the corridors remained only her, the two troublemakers and the bully. He run away glaring at them.

\- Oliver Queen and this is my friend Tommy Merlyn- Oliver said smiling and extending his hand.

\- Laurel – she said smiling back – Thank you. –

-You're welcome. – Tommy said .

Laurel was at the library, studying. Oliver was there too and for some miracle he wasn't talking or trying to distract her. He was just sitting there quiet, looking at her.

\- Laurel. – he said softly to catch her attention.

Laurel looked up from her books, annoyed. Here we go. He always did it. He started talking and talking and talking and in the end she would get tired and follow him and Tommy in whatever crazy adventure they had planned for the day.

\- What? I'm trying to study here. –

\- Yeah. Sorry. I know. – he said.

Laurel frowned. Oliver never apologized when he tried to drag her away from her books. She looked at him and she noticed that he seemed really nervous.

\- What is it, Ollie? You know you can tell me everything. – she said.

\- I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me sometimes? – he asked.

Laurel frown deepened. She couldn't believe he was asking her out. She knew she wasn't his type. She studied too much and partied too little. That's why she had always tried to ignore her own feelings for him. She knew he couldn't feel the same way and she was happy being just his friend.

\- What? – she asked.

He bit his lip.

\- Would you like to go on a date with me? – Oliver repeated. – Look I know. We're friends. And if we start date we can ruin our friendship. And Tommy might feel left out. But… -

\- Ollie… - she cut him off. - I would love to go on a date with you. –

Oliver smiled happily and Laurel felt butterflies in her stomach.

She had no idea why Oliver had decided to ask her out, she had no idea if they could work. But for some things it was worth taking a risk.

They've being dating for a while and everything seemed to go well. Her father never liked Oliver, he always said that Tommy and him only caused trouble. He had tried multiple times to convince her to stop hanging out with them. So when he had found out that they were dating he'd lost his mind. He'd grounded her trying to keep her away from him. It had been her mother to finally convince him that it wouldn't work anyway cause they saw each other every day in school. Every time she went out with him thought her father stood in the doorway glaring at Oliver, a hand on his gun in a not so subtle threat. Oliver's parents on the other hand had been thrilled by the news. Particularly Moira. She had always liked Laurel, since the first time Oliver brought her home. She was quiet, sweet and smart and had a good influence on Oliver. She hoped they would last and she liked to tell Laurel over and over again how happy she was about their dating.

Now they were sprawled on Oliver's ridiculously big couch watching a romantic movie.

She was completely focused on the movie when Oliver called her softly.

\- Laurel? –

She looked up to see what he wanted and he leaned in and kissed her. The kiss was soft and gentle and tasted of popcorn and ice cream. Her first kiss. Their first kiss. It was perfect and she would never forget it.

When they parted he leaned his forehead against her and they both smiled. Then she cuddled closer to him and they kept watching the movie.

It was prom night. Laurel was wearing a beautiful green dress and Oliver a black suit. They were standing in front of the fireplace in her house. Her mother was taking pictures of them, her father was glaring at Oliver.

Oliver had stopped noticing Quentin's glares a while back, but Laurel kept being embarrassed by her father's behavior. They've been dating for almost two years now and she really wished her father would accept that Oliver wasn't going away anytime soon.

\- You should go now, dear. – her mother said.

They were at the prom, dancing together. Suddenly she looked up at Oliver. She took in his bright eyes, his big smile. She'd known that for a while, but now was the time to tell him.

\- I think I love you. – she said.

Oliver froze, looking at her with wide eyes. She blushed.

\- It's not… you don't have to… - she stuttered.

Oliver smiled and leaned to kiss her, shutting her up.

\- I think I love you too. - he said and then kissed her again.

Laurel smiled and hid her face in his chest. They kept dancing for the whole night.

Laurel was in the kitchen with her father. The TV was on but she wasn't paying attention to it. Not until a picture of Oliver and his father came on screen. A shipwreck. Oliver and his father died. Oliver was dead. Not long ago they were planning of moving in together and now he was dead. She felt like someone had ripped her heart out her chest. The plate she was holding slipped through her fingers and fell to the ground shattering in million of pieces. She watched the glass on the floor. It looked like they were pieces of her world. Oliver's death had destroyed her life, her dreams and her future. She had never felt like that in her life. She didn't think she could survive that terrible pain. She collapsed into her father arms and cried.

Laurel was at Oliver's funeral. Sara's had been the day before.

Standing there in front of their coffins Laurel didn't know if she felt more anger or pain. She had lost her sister and the love of her life. The two people she trusted more in her life. And they had betrayed her in the worst possible way.

She couldn't reconcile the pain she felt for their death with the anger.

Sometimes she chocked on the pain. And she cried over her broken dreams, her betrayed love and her little sister.

Other times the anger overwhelmed her. And she screamed and screamed and screamed.

And then she cried again. Cause they were gone and she loved them despite what they had done. She loved them and she missed them and she was so angry with them.

Now standing in front of Oliver's coffin she felt empty.

And then Oliver was standing right in front her. Alive. And she really wanted to be mad at him. But she couldn't. She still loved him. She would always love him.

And then they were standing in his bedroom. His shirt was open and she was looking at his scars. She kissed him cause she still loved him and she needed to make sure that he was really there, alive. Then she fled. She loved him, but she couldn't let him hurt her again.

Then Tommy was breaking up with her. Because she still loved Oliver. He was right and she hated herself for that. She hated herself for hurting him. Cause she loved Tommy, but she loved Oliver more.

Tommy died. And she needed Oliver. She needed him to go through the pain and the guilt that threatened to choke her. But Oliver disappeared. He left her alone again.

And she spiraled in alcohol and drugs cause she didn't know how else to cope.

The words Oliver yelled at her in the hallway after the dinner with Sara hurt her more than everything else in her life. But they had given her the strength to take care of herself and stop drinking.

Then she found out that Oliver was the Arrow. She was so proud of him. She always knew that he was so much more than a rich playboy. He was a hero.

And then Oliver had fallen in love with Felicity and he had been horrible with Laurel for a year. He didn't trust her to fight for her city, like he did. He refused to train her.

But this last year everything had changed. They fought together and respected her and they were back at being friends. Friends like they were in high school, before they started dating.

Then the flood of memories stopped. And the only thing she could see was Oliver's terrified expression under the fake lights of her hospital room, the only thing she could hear was the horrible high pitched and monotone sound of her heart monitor.

She glanced at Tommy and he smiled encouragingly. Then everything became so bright and white and then everything was dark and Laurel didn't know where she was anymore


End file.
